They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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