If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
