I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
