Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
