New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
