genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize