So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
