She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
