woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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