i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
