I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
