And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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