I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
