What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
