Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
