it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
