cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
