drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How external is "for external use only"?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
