I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
