my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize