Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
