I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
