I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
