my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize