She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
