She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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