my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
