I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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