the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
