I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
