Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
