I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
