Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
