I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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