Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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