how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
