I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
