I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
