We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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