Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
