the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
