My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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