so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We had to coat check the pizza.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
