yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
