She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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