it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
