I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
