I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think my vagina is haunted
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
