God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
