I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
