I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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