When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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