Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
