Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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