you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
