Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
