He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize