I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize