i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
