Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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