Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
