can u get pink eye on your cock?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
