just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
