I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize