My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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