I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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