Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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