Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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