Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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